Facebook Problems – How Facebook Can Ruin Your Relationship
The teleseminar last week was so interesting… and I’m grateful to Julie & Brit for sharing their Facebook Problems with us live on the call. There were always ways to go ‘over the line’ in a relationship and get involved inappropriately with members of the opposite sex, but sites like Facebook.com make it so easy… it’s just on the computer…
How Facebook Problems Start
It starts as an innocent conversation, maybe with a long-lost high school friend. You get connected again, and all the talk about old times and fun things you did…. then somebody says something with a little sexual innuendo. It’s fun.. harmless..right? Well, maybe not. Then once the door to more intimate conversation is open, it tends to escalate, and before you know it, you may even make plans to meet, date or even become physically sexual… all outside the awareness of your partner or spouse.
You’re in the Danger Zone!!
If you are married or in a committed relationship, it’s very important to maintain your integrity and honesty. Make no mistake; when you are acting on being sexually interested in someone other than your spouse or partner, that is a form of ‘cheating’. The damage from that decision can be far reaching. Regardless of how innocently it starts, if you’re using facebook.com or something like it to carry on an inappropriate interest in someone else, you’re over the line.
Another couple in trouble…
Just yesterday another couple came in with a similar issue. He had been caught emailing an old high school girlfriend. Just a few emails not even a dozen all together over a few month’s time. But when the last couple of them turned sexual (his old girlfriend was going through a divorce and was feeling lonely) he got in over his head and now they’re thinking of divorce because the trust was so damaged.
The best plan
The best thing to do is think ahead: what will the outcome of this action be? Or even better, ask yourself honestly: “Would I write this same email or post this on some one’s wall in facebook if my wife or husband (or significant partner) were standing right there watching me?” If the answer is no, you probably shouldn’t hit ‘send’.
Do you have similar Facebook Problems?
If you’ve been through something like this, I’d love to hear what your experience was. Did it work out in the end? Did you and your partner work together to get past the trust problem and make your relationship better? Or, did it mark the end of the relationship?
Julie Nise,
RelationshipAnswer.com
Hello, I am 26 years old and have been married for 5 years. Facebook, Myspace, and AOL instant messenger and have caused significant damage to our relationship. I have felt hurt, betrayed, and any other painful emotion because of bad experiences with these sites. I don’t even like these sites and don’t have my own but my wife has all of them and I always find myself spying on her sites absolutely hating what I see. There are extremely sexy pictures of her, guys making sexual and disrespectful comments to her, and comments from guys that would suggest their the best of friends (who I’ve never met). These sites have made me jealous and insecure and I keep warning her that it will break us up. I have wrongly and sneakily gotten her password to each of her accounts and signed into them once justifying my fears by finding some horrible things such as her sending pictures to strangers of her in lingerie. I dont know what to do, I’ve told her that if she wants to be with me she is gonna have to get rid of the sites, but she has no interest in doing that. It sounds weird but this otherwise loving and very close relationship has been significantly injured due to facebook, myspace, and instant messenger.
Hi Gen;
Well, I’m shocked you’re confused!
Your boyfriend is being quite clear on what’s important to him, and very obvious about how he wants to handle his relationships with other women. There doesn’t seem to be any inconsistency on his part at all, and he also does not show any inclination to change. WAKE UP! You’re in a relationship with a guy who has other values and agendas, and they don’t match up with yours. Living together is a very bad decision by the way…especially if you’re wanting a committed relationship. You started a fling with this guy when you were still a teenager…which means you had no real life experience and your judgement wasn’t matured. You’ve now devoted a big chunk of time and your emotions into a relationship that’s going in two very different directions, and instead of seeing what’s in front of you, you complain about it and make him the bad guy. If you’re with a guy who doesn’t share your vision of how the relationship should be, isn’t ready or willing to commit to you and be accountable for the effects of his decisions on you, MOVE ON! Bitching about it won’t change anything. You’re wasting time. You need to get out and date around (not sleep around) and use dating for the purpose it is intended: to meet and get to know as many guys as you can so that you can easily and accurately determine if they have ‘long term potential’. In other words, you need to get good at checking out how your dating partners goals and personalities and values match up with yours, and when they don’t instead of trying to “change him” over to your way of thinking,(the usual girl thing to do) GET ON DOWN THE ROAD! It’s a big world out there. Your boyfriend isn’t that into you. Go find somebody who is.
Hi,
I have been with my BF for over a year now & I recently friend requested him after my phone broke & I was sending him a message on Facebook. Well I friend requested him & I thought maybe he didn’t see the email/messages yet. (his internet was off) But I went back on to check & it was brand new saying request him as a friend! So he ignored or deleted my request & I am very hurt as I was planning moving to his city to be closer. (we live 100miles apart now) I don’t want to confront him because it is truly embarrassing to me that I have to even talk about this! I feel worth sooo much more. He hasn’t brought it up or said I didn’t accept it or anything. Plus I saw a Old female he used to mess with & found explicit pictures years ago on his MP3 player that he wasn’t ashamed of or apologetic for me seeing! I feel he shouldve apologized & said I will erase them. This female commented on one of his pictures saying she was thinking about him too, as the pic showed him thinking per se. Something about a man that hides stuff, cell phone on lock 24/7, set the privacy so I couldn’t see any pics or his wall on Facebook. Damn shame how I feel, and you supposed to be in a serious committed relationship!? Yea ok!
Hi,
I’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for about 2.5 years. Facebook has always been a problem between us. He has had way more sexual partners then I have (he’s 6 years older then me, I’m 22, hes 28) and all of them seem to be on his friends list. When we first started dating and things weren’t serious, I saw msg that he had sent to other girs that were very sexual and suggestive. I also know that during our time of not being together, he was permiscuos, when I wasn’t. Now we live together and seem to fight all the time about facebook. I find it very difficult to not look at his page and see who he’s been adding, and it always seems to be a very good looking woman, which makes up for about 80% of his friends list. He owns a hair salon, so he says he adds them as potential clients for business and networking. He doesnt like to be on facebook in front of me, its always when he’s in the bath or after I go to bed. I’ve walked out into the living room after he though i was in bed and as soon as he saw me he quickly hides his phone. I saw that he was on facebook looking at pictures of other girls and another time he was having a conversation with someone, I never found out who. Then he turns around and yells at me for “sneeking up on him”. He heard a statistic that facebook raised the national divorce rate by 20%, after he heard that he told me he wanted to delete his profile and that he wanted me to delete mine too. A couple weeks went by and he never deleted his. He then got mad at me for suggesting it, because he doesn’t feel that he should have to delete it just to make me happy. IT WAS HIS IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! Ive recently deleted me account because it just causes too many problems. He always gets mad at me for “stalking” his profile and always wanting to know who his new friends are. I’m very confused!!!
Hey Coy!
Glad you like the site. I love Ireland and I’m so glad you joined us! My husband and I were in Belfast and the north of Ireland just a couple of summers ago and had a fabulous time.
So I guess I need to explain that if a girl says anything about being your friend, she’s definitely not into you. It’s ok to be a ‘nice guy’ but you don’t want to be a sap. If it’s a girlfriend your after, don’t waste time with anyone who mentions the ‘friend’ word. There are many girls who will find you attractive and want to be with you in a romantic way. Make sure you know what traits you want in a girlfriend (not just looks!!) and stay focused on finding those things you want in the girls you meet. Don’t agree to be a friend if you want more. It’s very attractive to a girl when a guy is ‘on a mission’ and very confident about what he wants. Be that guy!
Hi Tony;
Well, you’re in a pretty serious situation. You have a lot of ‘why…’ questions, but my sense is the answer to all of those comes down to a central theme… your wife is clearly being pulled from the ‘Godly standards’ you mention of how to conduct herself as a married woman. I am certainly not any sort of religious expert, but I feel strongly that there is a wonderful and specific standard of behavior and structure of how husbands and wives should behave, much of which is biblically based, and you wife is off the mark. As you probably know, your job as the man is to stay focused, and don’t let her pull you off you center or focus. Regardless of what she does, your job remains the same – be the strength and safety for her to turn to. Relax and realize she may be influenced by negative forces or people who are pulling her away from her commitment and covenant. Don’t chase her approval or allow her to be in charge of the direction of your marriage. Much of what immature women do in relationships is TEST the guy… not necessarily on purpose or consciously – but test they will in order to see if you’re safe and strong and can take the storming of their emotions and acting out. PASS THE TEST TONY! You are the leader whether or not she’s following you at the moment. Continue to be the voice of reason (not criticism or fear) and pray that she finds her way back to your positive intention.
Good luck to you and please make certain you’re correctly connected to your faith in this time of stress.
Corey;
I just read your post, and had some thoughts for you… there are a couple of things wrong in your picture! First is, if you truly are jealous – you need to fix that BEFORE you get married. Being jealous (look up the definition: showing envy or irrational suspicion) is about YOU not him. You don’t want to enter marriage which requires selflessness, forgiveness, grace and patience when you are not demonstrating those things toward your partner. It’s ok if you disagree about something like FB – it will become one of the many things you have come up that you both need to figure out and resolve in a healthy way. Look at your solution: bail out! That option doesn’t seem to be a very good strategy if you truly love someone. Yes, it is extreme! Working it out together in a calm, respectful way is the option you want to go for.
As far as your boyfriend goes, I don’t think he has his eye on the ball if he thinks it’s ok to have suggestive, flirtatious messages or photos of other women on his FB. If he respects the woman he’s with, he won’t want to do anything that causes her to be uncomfortable, but you want to be careful – you’re not the “police” of him. One of the things you want to observe is how he respects you…. how he deals with respect toward you should be one of your criteria as to whether he’s ready for marriage or not. You don’t want to marry a “little boy” who enjoys the flattery and attention of other women to the point where he leaves you feeling left out. Notice, though, if your threats to leave the relationship so quickly and abandon him are something he takes seriously, it could be the very reason he’s keeping his other options open. I would if I thought my partner had one foot out the door every time we disagreed…. wouldn’t you?
I have been dating this guy for about a year and we have recently begun seriously considering marriage. I have always known that he has a FB account but since I do not have an account, I had never seen his page – until recently. I walked in when he was logged on and to my surprise his friends were 80% female and were leaving pics of themselves as well as very flirtatious message on his wall- all of which he said were just his “friends” being “silly”. I honestly want no parts of this world, and am well aware of the fact that I am jealous – would I be extreme to leave a relationship that has marriage potential over FB? (BTW, I’ve asked for him to delete it to which he replied, “there is no need to delete it”)
Why would my wife have any need to hide her wall and set it to private? Why does my wife get upset when I ask her why she has her page set to private? Is there something she’s not comfortable with me seeing? Is there something that she has to have private from her husband that she’s ashamed of? Why all of a sudden? Why does my wife have one of her favorite sites posted as a “marriage and sex book” that does not reflect Godly standards for marriage, yet the book is really camouflaged as a healthy book for marriage? Is this some kind of joke?
Why do I have to ask my wife “may I see your facebook page?” Why does she pause and say “ok, just a minute….”, then I have to wait while she deletes or hides whatever it is that she didn’t want me to see at the moment I asked? Why is it later maybe after a few days of her staying on her toes just in case I asked to see her facebook page, would my wife respond to me (after asking may I see your page?) would she say “oh sure,” knowing that she’s hidden all the incriminating things about her communication with some other guy or girl for that fact from me?
I hope other guys are not going through what I’m going through, but you know…if she is having an affair emotionally (if not physically) with another guy…it will come to light.
Hey everyone, greetings from Dublin. This is a cool blog. I’m wondering if you have any advice about staying out of the friend zone with girls? I’m really tired of girls telling me they just want to be friends. Maybe I’m being too much of a nice guy?
I agree with past said, I’m out of a 14 year relationship that would have been fine otherwise.
I have been emotionally abandonded for fanticies for a year and then physically abandoned for a scuzzy guy . It’s fantcy island for people who are weak emotionally. I’m prime rib not hamburger so this is going to be a big let down for the chatroom looser in my life.
I think that people should grow up and realize that adults can make up their own minds and if the person that is getting the receiving end of the “flirtatious” accusations isn’t responding, then who cares. People are too wrapped up in other peoples lives. What is written on facebook or other social networks can be and often are misunderstood. People often joke around in a flirtatious way and means nothing.
I was in a 26 month relationship with my partner. His excessive use in Facebook drove me crazy, it all started out innocent…. just wanting to stay closer in touch with his daughter overseas. More than a year ago.. when face was really coming out, we both said no way, we don’t do those site. The aim was to stay connected with his daughter. We had created one facebook acct under my name, filled it with a ton of photos, added my friends, family and his as well… well one day he decided to get his own, which was fine. This was Dec.2008, today is April 9th. His addiction to this site was growing each and every week, his jobs around the house weren’t being done, he would access facebook at work, would waste sooooo much time playing stupid games on this site. Months of arguing about it.. pleading with him to prioritize it… in moderation, not 5 hrs a day… I just started seeing a difference in him, found out my suspicions were correct, oh the flirting with other women from his past, friends of relatives etc.. you name it, he was into it. So after about 3 months of this….. it came to blow up in our face. We snapped….. our relationship is over and facing assault charges……… his addiction took over, facebook was more important than his family, his house, his job.. well now he has no family except his 1 child, he has lost us, he will probably lose his house because he has no job, no money….. all in the name of staying connected with the wrong people.
I am a married woman of 41 tears of age and that superpokin is stupid but my husband used it to blow a kiss at my best friend and cuddle her it has caused much heart ache I HATE IT