I will be drawing a winner for everyone who registers for my free book on January 1st of 2010.  The winner will receive my book 4 Weeks to a Happier Relationship.  Thats a $32 value shipped.  By submitting your email address below you are also accepting to receive updates from me via email.  I will not spam you!  You will receive updates on my books, blogs, and information about parenting & relationships.

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“The single largest epidemic of our time is the destruction of male/female relationships. If you want to immunize yourself from the disaster of failed love and connection — then Julie Nise has finally shared the answer. Finally admitting that men and women may be equal but are not the same, Julie takes our understanding of couples relationships from pop culture caricatures to real healing connection. Thank God for this insight. Our children might have real hope for solid families.”

SCOTT McFALL, DCH

Author, Power Secrets Of Relationship Magic

Bismarck, ND

“Julie is a very special force in this world…and all who get the opportunity to be touched by her wisdom are very fortunate. I refer many of the guests from the Dr. Phil Show to Julie, always with utmost confidence that they are in the hands of someone with the power they need to affect positive changes in their lives. Julie Nise is the ‘Real Deal.’“

ANTHONY HASKINS, J.D.

Resource Director, Dr. Phil Show

Hollywood, CA

“This book is incredible. Full of examples and powerful concepts, it shows step-by-step how to have love in any relationship.”

BILL FERGUSON

Author, How to Heal a Painful Relationship

Houston, TX

“Any couple willing to stop driving their marriage by looking through the rear-view mirror of the past and choose to drive forward with “4 Weeks to a Happier Relationship” as their road map will be successful. Julie reveals wisdom and common sense skills that allow ordinary people to have extraordinary lives through abundantly fulfilling marriages.”

REVEREND MARK SCHIPUL

Claremont, CA

“After having enough drama in my personal life to appear on the Dr. Phil Show, Julie NIse was assigned to me as part of the showʼs after-care program. If you really want to see if your relationship can work, and figure out how to have a better life in general, listen to what Julie has to say. My family life is better now than it has ever been and more enjoyable than I ever imagined.”

CHRIS CLEMENTS

Dr. Phil Show Guest

Show #776 “In-law Threats”

Affair-Proof Your Relationship: Discover how easy it is to feel close and connected whether you are together or apart. Learn your partner’s signals for connection with the opposite sex, so you can provide everything they need.

Making Each Other Feel Loved: Deepen intimacy, trust and romance. All communication is not the same. Learn which sensory preferences your partner has and how to communicate love in a way they will hear it and feel it best.

How to Have One Argument and Two Winners: Learn the foolproof success model for resolving conflict and being understood. Overcome the past habits and traps that keep you from resolving and moving past conflict.

Relationship Makeover: Take your relationship from a 2 to a 10 by implementing gender-related secrets about motivation, influence and desire.

Parenting Excellence: Show leadership and vision in how you raise your children into the adults they will become. Learn what punishment techniques fail and which ones work every time.

….on giving your child what they need from you:

Love

“Showing love to your child in a way that he or she understands and believes they are special, valued, appreciated, and deeply loved by you is the goal. As with other relationships, loving someone means that you will put their needs ahead of your own to generate those feelings or beliefs within them. This is certainly true for children. You may not have had those things given to you as a child, but you can break that cycle of deprivation and give your child what he or she needs to thrive.”

“This doesn’t mean you give them everything they want. In fact, it would be most loving to deny them most of what they want—so they can develop maturity and the ability to be successful, resourceful adults. For example, putting their needs ahead of your own does not mean cooking them a different dinner if they don’t like what you prepared, or letting them sleep in your bed because they like it better, or allowing them to get out of doing their chores because they’ve mismanaged their time. Their “needs” should be seen as clearly different to you than their “wants”. Miniature human beings (children) very seldom want to do what they “need” to do to grow up successfully. They are all about doing what they “want” to do, which would cause them to grow up and be quite unhappy.

Your children will know if you love them enough to make the hard decisions—the decisions that create more work or hassle for you but ultimately are what the situation requires for them to learn a lesson, endure a consequence, etc.”

Leadership;

“Let’s be clear on one thing: being a great leader is not a personality contest. You should be a lot less concerned whether your children like or agree with your decisions and requirements, and put much more emphasis on executing your priorities, good judgments and actions in their best interest. Many parents make the mistake of chasing their child’s approval. Perhaps those parents are not feeling appreciated and validation from their work or their spouse, so they substitute the child’s favorable regard or affirmation. Since we already know children will act in the interest of what they “want” instead of what they “need”, this is a huge mistake for a parent to make.”

What’s your strategy for parenting? If you are too authoritarian and keep too much control over your child’s behaviors and decisions, they won’t know how to take over those jobs when it becomes their time to do so, and they lack confidence and can become incompetent. If you’ve spoiled them by allowing them to do mostly as they please, they develop a sense of entitlement and can’t handle the difficulty life will surely dish out.

Leadership requires setting the standards for behavior. Set the standards high. Let you children know you ‘expect’ a lot from them. Create an environment where they are accountable for their actions. Encourage initiative, helpfulness and keep your focus on the child’s behavior choices, judgments and attitude.”

A Structure of Reward and Discipline:

“If you find yourself yelling at the kids or becoming angry, you are not in control of the situation, and you’ve probably made five or six requests without success, and waited far too long to institute a punishment. Your frustration just got the better of you. Tighten it up. It’s easier on everyone if you do. Don’t ask repeatedly, getting angrier with each verbal volley. Ask twice then give a consequence.”

“The biggest mistake I see parents make is that when they get in a disagreement with a child—especially teenagers—they spend most of their time trying to persuade or convince the child to do what they’re asking. Generally you need to ask initially, unless you’re giving an instruction or making a statement. But either way, if you’re the leader, the authority figure, the one they should respect and obey, what you ask or tell should zoom to the top of your child’s ‘to do’ list.”

“The best way to create a stable, fair and loving home life for your children is to provide an environment where, as Dr. Phil says, “they can predict with 100% accuracy what the consequences of their behavior will be.” This means if they do the right things, make good choices and demonstrate mature, responsible behaviors, there should be rewards for those choices and actions. Remember, you’re more likely to see a behavior repeated which is rewarded.”

…on giving children what they need to take with them:

Maturity:

“Maturity is the ability to manage and resolve frustrated desires ALONE.

There are many immature adults running around the world, and since they are so handicapped by their inability to manage their emotions and frustrations, they tend to give up, bail out, avoid and run away from adult responsibilities and situations. This is the biggest reason there are as many divorces as there are. How you raise your children will affect them for the rest of their lives. Do a good job!

Set the rules, determine the consequences for failing to follow them, and consistently require your children to adhere to them. When they pout, become moody, self absorbed or disrespectful, demonstrate poor judgment or bad attitudes, provide lots of reasons why continuing that behavior would be a bad idea.

Allow them to manage their frustrations and come out on the other side with a resolution. When their grades, attitudes and judgments are mature and appropriate, praise them and reward those behaviors with benefits and positive consequences. When they excel at doing well, bonus them with more rewards. Mimic how life works so they won’t be surprised when they get out there on their own. Teach them how to be resourceful and independent.”

Confidence:

“Confidence and competence are two different things. To raise a child with a high level of competence they must experience success or mastery in the things they attempt to learn or accomplish. It’s not difficult. Confidence, as the dictionary will tell you, is the same as ‘self assurance, self-belief, self-reliance’. Knowing he or she is okay no matter what, or will be able to ‘figure it out’ on their own—and especially when things are tough, or NOT going their way—is the heart of confidence. As we have all experienced, it’s pretty easy to feel buoyant and full of yourself when things are going according to plan and not much is required of you. It’s quite another in the middle of a problem or stressful situation, or a challenge to have the calmness that comes with an inner knowing you’ll be okay in the end.”

“Parents can help their children develop this certainty and confidence by ‘testing’ their inner resources and challenging them to go past the limits of what they know or think they can do. This should happen in the context of school, socially, in their hobbies and recreational activities. Push the envelope—think outside the box, be creative, dig deep, have a ‘can do’ attitude and press on to the solution. This includes visualizing success and imagining the solutions. Teach your kids to do what successful people do: believe in yourself, assume the best, plan for the worst, and always set your goals high.”

Compassion:

“The ability to have feelings for, or understand the plight of another in need and respond to that situation with kindness, sympathy or assistance is one of the very best traits a human can have. Call it what you will; sensitivity, decency, thoughtfulness, consideration, empathy, insight, they all are hallmarks of a caring, decent person.”

“Notice how the perspective of considering the feelings, needs and thoughts of others is critical to being compassionate? The same skills needed to be a successful spouse and parent later in life are necessary to learn at a younger age. To do so is the building block of a rich and satisfying life.

In fostering compassion in your child, you will help them develop empathy, sensitivity, tenderness, tolerance and even mercy.”

… on Parenting Teenagers:

“If you have a teenager, your time to influence and shape their future is rapidly drawing to a close. Your teenager will be pulling further away from you, making more decisions on their own and putting into practice the lessons—good and bad—you’ve taught. They aren’t ‘all grown up’ yet… but they’ll be making more and more choices that have grown-up consequences. As we adults know only too well, a seemingly small or innocent decision can have very undesirable impacts or life-altering results. Teenagers haven’t perfected the art of thinking through the outcome of the decisions they make, and they need the independence to learn that which is learned best through experience.

“Having a bad attitude just seems to go hand-in-hand with being a teenager sometimes. But just so you’ll clearly understand, the temper tantrum they throw when they’re 3 is the same kind of defiance and bad attitude they display with the dreaded eye-roll and heavy, exasperated sigh. And if that ‘I’ve got one last nerve and you’re standing on it’ behavior is something you consider unwanted, consequence it. Acting like your parent is a moron, debating or challenging what an authority figure tells you is disrespectful and should be treated as such.”

“Having a good attitude about things is a sign of maturity. Learning to handle and then overcome their feelings or annoyances so they can do what is required of them is the skill you’re looking for them to develop. They’ll certainly need that skill in a job or in any serious relationship they ever have. Overcome feelings and act in the right way. What a great day when they master that! Then they’re ready for the benefits which come with maturity.”

Resources:

“Contracts” – agreement of what is expected from both parties, rules for how to accomplish the expectations, and promises of performance. To be effective, contracts need to be a “win-win”— both sides need to benefit from participating.

“House Rules” – the ultimate family document with details to create stability and consistency

“Token economy” – A fun system of multi-level rewards – motivate young children to produce good grades

and good behavior without nagging or reminding them!

Air Date

The show will air Thursday March 13th at the usual time.  My time in the spotlight was brief, but the rest of the show was incredibly interesting. You can check your local listings or go to www.drphil.com.

The Aftermath of being in a Family Cult

All the guests were the adult children of an extremely abusive and demented man… they were literally kept hostage during their childhood until they were finally able to escape.  Dr. Phil and Dr. Frank Lawlis have been working with many of them for the past few months as they work through feelings of abandoment, deceit, and betrayal, both by their parents and by some of their siblings.  It was very interesting, and the courage shown by several of the guests to overcome this horrific situation was truly inspiring.  I may be doing a special teleseminar about this in the near future, so stay tuned.

An Uncommon Tragedy

This certainly isn’t your run-of-the-mill situation, but I think everyone can learn something very valuable from it.  As we look at our own lives and our own challenges, it’s often helpful to consider that as bad as we think we have it sometimes, it sure could be worse. This is one of those great stories that helps put things in perspective.  I hope you get a chance to watch.